LET'S BRING IT BACK!

A good friend reminded me of that ben folds five song that says “…it hurts to grow up…the years go on and we’re still fighting it…” and i realized how it was a perfect description of everything I’m feeling right at this moment. I miss my freakin’ life…and everything in the now feels like how it used to be. except the faces are different. the conversations are different. I’m different. 

i keep thinking why God put me in the situation i’m in at the moment…and every time i do I always end up with the same conclusion. That He put me here for a purpose. And the way to fulfill that purpose is somewhat nostalgic.

It freakin sucks to grow up. And there are times i feel like i’m going backwards. like i’m in the exact, same place i used to be. Literally and figuratively. and there are days when i feel like going crazy…asking myself why the hell am i in this crap again…but there are days when i’d have the greatest effin time ever. one thing i can be sure of, it feels like whatever happens i’m always fighting it. like i keep fighting every single speck of emotion. it feels like i’m always fighting for my life. i don’t even know if that’s how it should be. or if i make sense. what happens, though, if i get tired of fighting? do i die at the end? 

i don’t know where the heck im going at with this. i just know that it freakin stinks to grow up. but it sucks way more when you grow backwards. we can’t do anything about it. yes, the years go by. Time flies. we can’t catch it. we just keep fighting it. 

I feel like things are happening to everyone’s life except mine. Like I’m stuck in still life…or running in slow motion. It’s not just the graduating…or the relationships…or the careers. I feel like it’s everything. I just feel like i’m living in this big blurrrrrrrr.

I know, I know, God’s not done yet, I’m a diamond on the rough, He’s still molding me. I just can’t help think that there is progress for everyone but me. Like right now, it’s really good. I’m good. I’m okay. Happy…but still. unmoving. stagnant. and everything’s great yeah. Maybe I’ve gotten over getting delayed and all. And yeah, I am okay, but I’m damn bored. I’m bored and I’m back to square one. 

How long do I have to wait? And what has become of my glory days?

At least I know, I learned more. Or did I? I don’t know where I’m headed. I don’t know where God is taking me. I am sure, however, that I want to teach…and I really want to write. I want to travel…and I want to speak my mind. This is what I want. But what God wants is more important, and God wants me here, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. He wants me right here. Still. Unmoving. Maybe not stagnant, but I know He wants me here…at the moment. All I can do is wonder why. and i freakin keep wondering. Another thing I am certain of is that whatever reason He may have, It’s always gonna be good for me. I’d always be safe.  It’s always for my best interest. All I have to do is wait. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT…

ALAM MO YUNG FEELING NA NGAYON LANG NAG SISINK IN LAHAT. ITO NA YUN. 

“something always leads me back to you…it never takes too long…”

This song has always been one of the best songs written, if you ask me. It’s also one of those songs where, even if you’re not really in the same shoes as the songwriter, even when you don’t relate all that much…it just breaks your heart. 

i hear this song and i just get sad…no matter how great a day has been, i hear the first lines and it’s like all the happiness from my heart is sucked out and what’s left of me is a weeping mess. Maybe it’s because no matter how you look at it, it’s never any less true. And now I have someone to sing it to. 

There will always be someone keeping us on a hook. There will always be that person who you thought you were over and done with. There will always be that boy that gets you smiling to yourself whenever you start thinking about him, someone who gets you thinking. “he was always the one…” and then shake that feeling off cause you know it’s not possible.

He was always the one.

It’s like when i was with him, i couldn’t care less of anything else. When i talk to him, it’s like we have a whole wide world of things to talk about, and it never gets old. When he catches me looking at him, he makes these funny faces and i do the same and we’d never stop. When I catch him looking, we hold each other’s glares and somehow just stare at each other for a while. I don’t know what that means but is sure as hell feels nice. It feels like when I look into his eyes, I’m safe. I’m calm. I find peace. 

And the things that we leave unsaid…and the feelings that were never really felt or expressed…and everything else that seemed to matter just didn’t..and all that was left was him. and me. 

it’s funny how i forget and then summer comes and we’re back at square one. It’s funny how every time i hear songs like “Thunder” or “Stolen” i think of you in an instant. You were always the one. And maybe I would never forget. Maybe the feelings had never left, but only kept in the deepest parts of my soul where nobody would suspect it ever was, so nobody would think it ever existed. No, i would never forget, even now that you have her. I would never forget, but I would always, always try to hide it.

A story like Jack and Rose

A kiss like Spiderman and Mary Jane

A fight like Elizabeth and Darcy

A friendship like Ron and Hermione

A connection like Robbie and Julia

A dance like Troy and Gabriella

A strength like Edward and Bella

A secret like Romeo and Juliet

An end like Noah and Allie

(via amatteroffuck)

WOW. it’s been so long since i opened this thing. I’ve been too out of sync the past weeks that all i really wanted to do was lie around the house doing nothing, but of course, everything must go on and life continues. So i chose to continue my as-of-the-moment-fucked-up life by auditioning as a Junior Jock at Magic 89.9. 

My JJ experience as it is called was, honestly, fantastic! It was so fun. The people at Magic were amazing. I got into a conversation with Boom Gonzales. Jessica Mendoza gave us a pep talk. Aaron Atayde was surprisingly hot. And CallMeTyler, whom I’ve had a crush on since his UAAP court-side reporting days, called me pretty and said he liked talking to me. It was awesome. They scared the crap out of me…and they gave me a golden ticket! yeaaaaah baby! That which apparently was Round 1 of the JJ auditions was conquered! 

Round 2 was today at the station. I kept thinking I screwed it up. I stuttered with the word ‘listening” when I was trying to say “You’re listening to…” and i kinda messed up my intro for the song “Price Tag”. damn. I feel like I could’ve done a whole lot better. dammmmn. What made this day soooo freakin cool however were the friends I made and the people I met. They made me want to be part of Magic even more. Another great thing….when i walkled into the room where all the DJs were, Tyler instantly said “Hey, you auditioned in my room, right?” i was like hell yeaaaah! He freakin remembered me! there were like 180 people trying out that day alone and another maybe hundred on the second day. THAT’S GOOD, RIGHT? that he remembered me? Doesn’t that mean I left him an impression?? I sure hope I did. God, i hope I get in. Please lang Lord…:))

and now i shall refresh my mailing page every 10 minutes like what i did 2 weeks ago when I was still quite functional. But now, I feel better. I’m more relaxed about it, because this time, the email that I’m waiting for wouldn’t cost me my future. It wouldn’t screw my life up as the last heartbreaking result email did. I would be okay. I’m not expecting anything, but I’m hoping for the best. Whatever happens though, I had a great time,and I did my best. whatever happens here on out…it’s God’s doing. It’s upto Him, like it always has been. 

Everything’s Magic! :) This experience was awesome! I hope get to have more of it!:) Please, Lord. haha! 

Today was horrifying. I swear to myself I will never put myself in this situation again. Ever! I’ll try my very best never to be here again. I’ll do better. I don’t think I can ever go through this again…this level of uncertainty. It’s so frustrating. This feeling of fear, doubt, blame, regret, despair. This undeniably queasy feeling that is the Removal Exams. 

I’m a very optimistic person. From someone who have taken quite a few removal exams in the past (AND PASSED! Thank God.), my perception of a 4.0 is hope. Hope that there is still a chance, that there is a way. Today as I receive again that hope for SP102, I couldn’t quite contain myself. 

During the entirety of the day, I had freakin giant butterflies in my tummy, I wanted to throw up so bad, and my joints and extremities were somehow restless and spastic at the same time they wanted to fall apart. I felt so anxious. I felt like I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be lazy. I should have studied more during the sem. I was filled with regret. Honestly, I was scared. 

What gave me comfort, though, this entire day…were words. I read recently that the tongue is the most powerful part of the body. It can lift you up and build your character and it can also break your bones. Words can take the littlest of emotions and turn them into grand gestures. They can move mountains. 

I moved mountains today, proclaiming every where the whole day that it was gonna be a great day, that my faith is greater than my fear, my God…greater than any situation, any problem, any exam. I did all I could today, and lifted everything up to Him…the fear, the difficulty, the uncertainty, the glory, the success…everything, knowing that wherever this will lead me, I know I did my best and I offered it to Him. 

The Bible said that I should be sure of the things that I have hoped for and believe in the evidence of what I cannot see. It says that I should believe in whatever I pray about, because when I do, it shall come to pass. The Bible said that with faith, If i tell a mountain to move, it will get up and move. More than that, God’s Word says that I should trust Him in all things and not my own understanding. That I should believe in His power, His grace and His love, no matter how impossible the situation may seem, no matter how undeserving I might think I am. The Bible taught me to cast all my cares in God’s love and never to fear, knowing that in all things He will work out the very best for me,His grace will sustain me because I am His, and He is mine.

I am favored by God because I am His child. Guess what, so are you.:) So anyone out there who feel like there in a rut, if you feel like a mess and that there is no light upon the situation, remember that God is a great God, there is no power that can stand against Him. He is mighty, He will deliver you, HE IS YOURS. There is no thing and no one that can work against you…everything will be okay. :) 

Results haven’t been posted, but God is a miracle worker. He is an awesome God. He is powerful and He is mine.:) I have nothing to worry about. :) My future is safe in His hands…so is yours. :)

I believe in the substance of the things I hope for. I am certain in the evidence of the things that I cannot see. :)
THIS IS WHAT HEBREWS 11 TAUGHT ME. 
MARK 11:24 says that whatever I ask for in prayer shall be mine, if I believe it is. 

NO ONE WILL FAIL ANATOMY. I BELIEVE THAT.